Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This book is a fabulous introduction to the notion that we can help create a more peaceful world by improving our ability to communicate effectively and compassionately. Rosenberg points out a disturbing fact: we have more words in our language with which to judge each other (and ourselves) than we do to express our emotions. By learning to feel and express our emotions with words, we become less likely to act aggressively from these same emotions. When we can honestly say, "I feel angry when you speak to me like that," we become more able to own our feelings and less likely to escalate the conflict through assumptions, accusations, and violence.


Like many other books I have read recently, this book helps us to understand that by really being present in the moment, we gain access to the ability to steer the course of the future. Typically, we are barely listening to the other, especially in conflict. Instead, we are preparing our rebuttal, mentally judging the other, chewing on the past, or worrying about the future.  This impedes our ability to be truly present for what is going on. The ironic thing is that once we get in the moment, our presence and attention is often all that is needed to de-escalate the conflict.


Rosenberg provides many entertaining and inspiring anecdotes to demonstrate the many ways one can use Non-Violent Communication. From conflicts in the Middle East and Central Africa to the classroom, from parenting to prisons to self-defense, NVC proves over and over that violence comes from lack of connection. Learning to facilitate that connection can decrease violence, increase compassion, and help people grow into more compassionate and community oriented lives.


I found this book inspiring and educational. Rosenberg helps me to see that we can help others heal just by how we move and communicate in the world. By modeling effective and compassionate communication, we can create more peace in our own lives, and help to create a less violent future for us all.


I would recommend this book to anyone who is interested in connecting more deeply with the people in their lives. It is especially useful for people in positions of power, who can learn to act in a way that empowers and inspires others. Parents, educators, health care professionals, managers, mediators... really everyone could use a little help in communicating in a way that enriches life for us all.


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spring thoughts

Lately, I have been contemplating what threads tie together the concepts and theories that I have been examining over the last year at Evergreen. As someone who has already started down the road of homeschooling, I was glad to find so much research that confirmed my feelings about education. Having studied the work of Riane Eisler, I have found myself questioning much of what is accepted as the dominant paradigm.  Darwin, for instance, is a good example.  As a confirmed agnostic, I have always scoffed at those who questioned his ideas, taking evolution as an obvious explanation of what came before us, and labeling the rest as fundamentalists of one sort or another. Eisler helped me to understand that as important as Darwin's contribution is to our modern understanding, the notion that competition fuels the process is detrimental and misguided. Biologist Bruce Liption demonstrates that co-operation is a common strategy for life, even at the microscopic level. Eisler shows just how pervasive this acceptance of competition is in our culture, and how damaging that ubiquity can be.

As I look at the world around me, I see that the paradigm of competition is crumbling around the edges.  The winners are resented by the losers, and the losers are getting wiped out. It is time for a new paradigm that helps us to reorder our values in ways that are life-affirming, constructive, and cooperative.

I feel that the domination paradigm has infected many of our public spaces. Ranging from healthcare to education, from housing to the nature of our economy, we need new perspective. Science tells us we are on the brink of climactic disaster; doing things the same old way isn't going to serve anyone for much longer. 

So how can we get there from here?  We can recognize the truth in the work of William Glasser: everything we do is a choice, even the choice of inaction. We can actively make choices that lead us toward growth, health and connection. We can study the work of Marshall Rosenberg, and learn to speak from presence, compassion, and the belief that if we put our minds to it, we can get everybody's needs met. We can study Riane Eisler, who reminds us that human nature isn't defined through competition, and that there have been other successful ways of organizing society. We can practice mindfulness, and be gentle with ourselves and others as we learn new skills that help us to create a future that does, in fact, get everybody's needs met.

Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I am very glad to have revisited this classic work on sibling rivalry.  I first read it while pregnant with my 2nd child, and there was little I could do to actualize the learning I got from this book.  Now, almost 6 years later, there is so much I needed to be reminded of.

This book reminds parents that helping our children learn to navigate their own conflict will encourage them to grow and develop these skills for themselves.  Rather then stepping in and rescuing them, we can support them with our belief that they can find a solution to their difficulties.  I was also reminded how taking sides can exacerbate a problem, and that sometimes children dream up better solutions than I ever could.

There are cute and meaningful cartoons throughout the book which help illuminate common issues, as well as helpful and unhelpful responses to them. I found the advice simple to integrate, and worth the effort as I see my children working things out for themselves.

I think this book is a valuable addition to any parenting library, and is a book I will likely revisit again and again.


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